(The camera pans around a packed arena. Notable signs are "We want free bagels", "Acting is controlled schizophrenia", "I don't like violence, go TBK!" and "Don't Read This!". Nitsuj is accompanied by the usual DJ and Billy-Bob but they are joined by bLaCk KnIgHt.)
Howdy folks, it's Billy-Bob Johnson here and it's Fridee four. I the past week we seen, I say, we seen the first ever FCoGW Global Champ and we got that critter plum with us, hey bK!
HeY tHeRe, BiLlY-bOb, I'm PlEaSeD tO bE hErE aS tHe FiRsT eVeR cHaMp!
For those of you at home we'll put a translator in his mike so you here him talk inEnglish, not Memphis.
Thanks Nitsuj, as I was saying, I'm sure pleased that I'm your Champ.
Well, thare's some other critters who wants that belt, I believe you has a message for 'em?
Yeah, I jus' wanna say that the Man can suck my....
Please, this is a family show shown at a respectable hour of 8:30pm.
Sorry man, I was jus' saying that the Man ain't never gonna get this belt from me, he don't deserve a shot.
Does anyone here in the FCoGW, anyone at all?
Yep, one punk does an' that's Slobber D. Jobber. Being a jobber an' all, an' makin' it to second last in the ring is an achievement. An' I'm saying now, that next week, here on Fridee five, I'm gonna give that punk a shot at it, no matter what the Doc says!
Well, there you have it folks, bLaCk KnIgHt defending his title against Elite Jobber, Slobber D. Jobber. I now take this oppurtunity to welcome DJ Seedy.
Thanks bruva, we gottaa big card tonight, it's gonna be somethin' special fo' yo' homeys out there!
It sure is, first up we have Jobber Wayne facing Munchy Man. A tag match between the Jobbin' Duo and Team Money Bags. Then a match between the Bullseye Kid and Sitcom Sam before the main event of Alex Wood and Hawaiian Harvey for the FCoGW Alliance Hero.
That sounds better than killing Injuns!
Bruva, yo' are one whacked homey, truly!
I'd just like to say save the Eastern Spotted Quoll!
On that note we go down to Jesse Springer for the first match.
This contest is set for one bleed. From Amarillo in the Lone Star State, weighing an infantile 198 pounds, accompanied by Dr. Xavier, Jobber Wayne! ("The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance" by Regurgitator plays. Jobber comes out with two fake guns shooting them at the crowd.)
And all the way from Jefferson City, Missouri, weighing 296 pounds, the cursing killer, Munchy Man! ("Sad but True" by Metallica play as the swearing Munchy Man walks down cursing at the crowd. One guy jumps over the railings so MM throws him back in.)
That thare critter is plum loco!
DING! DING!
He is twenty-three beers short of a six-pack, as Munchy Man clotheslines the small jobber.
Backdrop driver from Munchy as he trows Wayne inta da ropes!
Great spinning heel-kick from Munchy Man hey bK?
Yes, but me and Whoopi Goldberg, what would the children look like?
Gross, that's got to be illegal!
It doesn't matter, we'll still love 'em!
I need a sick bag as Munchy Man flattens, I say, flattens the Texan with a hiptoss.
Stomps from Munchy Man. Stands his opponent up, thrust kicks to the guts.
I hope he ain't bin eatin' somethin' befo' he came out here!
I'd call the girl Mildred, one of the boys Theodore after my Grandpa. The other boy Cornelius....
Okay then. Munchy Man has Wayne in a sleeperhold but Wayne breaks out. Dropkick by Jobber.
Munchy goes down faster dan Billy-Bob's mamma after a sherry, springboard legdrop from Wayne.
Whadya say 'bout my mamma?
I ain't say nothin' 'bout nobody's mamma!
Oh, but it says you did in that thare script, I say, thare script in front of you!
Nope, I said nothin' 'bout yo' mamma. Munchy Man back in control, wit' a belly-to-belly suplex.
Double underhook backbreaker by Munchy Man and Wayne's nearly out of contention here. As Munchy Man whips Wayne into the turnbuckle.
Thrust kick, thrust kick an' a haymaker, Wayne drops. Link o' da legs by Munchy Man.
That thare is the signal. The Doc hops in the, I say, the Doc hops in the ring.
Munchy Man gives the boss of the FCoGW a DDT and whips him into the corner, and he links his legs too!
We gonna see some big time ball breakin' homeys!
Munchy Man gets a run up and there's the Munch! A diving headbutt to the groin of Jobber Wayne. Gets up and runs at the Doc, another Munch!
Your winner as a result of disqualification, Jobber Wayne.
He shoulda pinned Wayne befo' he did dat, den he coulda won too. But I don' fink dat da Doc's happy.
The rest of the Elite Jobbers are helping the Doc. Fi-Fi drags out Wayne.
But we'd need to by a bigger house if we're having eleven kids.
bK? Are you still with us?
Yes, but a McFaeces burger, who'd eat it?
What are you talking about?
Maybe with a large fries and large Coke, maybe a Sundae!
Anyway, we're nearly set for our second match. What's your tip fellers?
My tip is the Jobbin' Duo!
Why, don't you know there jobbers?
Yeah, but I reckon tonight's there night!
DJ Seedy? bK?
I reckon dat D-Vine mob'll win dis contest.
They could put it into Happy Meals with a free toy, a toilet perhaps or sewer rat?
What in God's name is wrong with him? We go ringside now.
This is a debut tag match. Coming in at a combined weight of 646lbs, representing D-Vine Intervention, Team Money Bags! ("Stagger Lee" plays as the twotwins walk down the runway, great pop.)
Entering the ring for the first time, weighing a combined weight of 621 pounds, J1 and J2, the Jobbin' Duo! ("Teddy Bear Picnic" plays as two grown men wearing pyjamas walk ringside. One man is clearly 7foot. The other is just 6foot. Dr. Xavier follows.)
DING! DING!
J2 and Loose Change start in the ring as J2 hits Loose Change with a forearm. Loose Change goes down and he's got to be too big for a jobber.
Well, you gotta make it hard fo' dem ta win.
Darn tootin', as J2 picks up that critter and powerslam into the, I say, into the mat!
Loose Change looking the jobber here as J2 climbs up onto the turnbuckle. Flying kneedrop into Loose Change.
Why do they call them mouses?
What?
I never seen the one on my computer eating cheese!
You are flipped out bK. As we see J2 execute a backbreaker on Loose Change, this looks finished.
How can it be, dese guys are jobbers, dey can't win da damn match.
Why not? They wrestle as good as that thare next critter!
Dere jobbers, dat's why Redneck!
Well the tag and set up for the Double Rum. J1 on the top rope, and J.L.'s been distracted by the Doc, he's being offered a cigar, and he's taking it.
What? He's a superstar o' wrestin' an' he takin' a cigar from da Doc, what's dat boy on about.
The whole crowd are booing J.L. for leaving his opponent, I say, leaving his opponent un guarded and it looks like....
Here are your winners, the Jobbin' Duo!
What the hell is going on here? Jobbers win matches, whackos win Global Championships! What next, some psycho in the ring wrestling?
This is set for one-fall. From Salt Lake City, weighing 312 pounds, accompanied by Janitor Joe, Sitcom Sam! (The Entertainment Tonight theme plays as what appears to be Bob Goen coming down th runway. Janitor Joe is sweeping the runway.)
Oh boy, this is really whacking down my tree!
What the hell are you talking about?
Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
(Nitsuj bolts through the crowd trying to escape.)
Coming in at 213 pounds from Detroit, The Bullseye Kid! ("I Shot the Sheriff" by Eric Clapton plays as the Kid runs to the ring and leaps over the ropes kicking Sam in the head.)
DING! DING!
Well, Nitsuj gone away, so da mice, day can play. Spring-doggy, why don't yo' join us here ringside.
I'd be honoured DJ, can Abe come along too?
Sure, they can come, Jean-Pierre, you're doing, I say, you're doing nothing tonight, come on down!
Mercy beaucoup, Moonsieur Johnson. 'Ello Abe, 'ello Jesse, 'ello DJ.
Well, it's my first damn time at the f@#ken announcers table, and the Kid nails that sonofab$#ch with a legsweep faceslam.
I'd plum ask you to watch your thare language Abe, but you'd kick my butt!
Shut-up you dumb, Yankee! The Kid hammers Sam with a piledriver.
Zee execution of zee piledriver was special!
My computer has Tetris!
The Bullseye Kid is murdering Sam here and there's a Soviet Suplex. I'm going back to my booth, something smells funny.
As da Kid gives Sammy a flyin' clothesline, da Doc comes an' sits wit' us, hey Doc!
If that Jerbronie Munchy Man comes down here, there's gonna be some trouble.
Why's dat Doc?
Coz Munchy Man gave him the Munch!
Oh yeah, as da Kid slaps on armbar submission.
And here comes that a^*hole Alex Wood to save him. Damn Americans.
I agree Abraham, az zee Bullzeye Enfant is kicked in zee head by Alex Wood, Munchy Man comes down zee runway to save his counterpart.
That's it, here comes today's special, what do we have here.
Excuse moi, must go for a zecond.
We see all the S$%t Jobbers attack Munchy Man. The only d$%khead doing any damage seems to be J2 but there's a f@#ken Slime-bomb from Slobber.
Bullseye Kid is being, I say, is being torn apart by Sam. Sitcom Sam with the tiger suplex. Now with a reverse neckbreaker, and now with the Idiot Box! Dang it, he's on fire!
Chickens wriggle way too much for me.
Yo' whacked out bruva, yo' need a doctor! Sam wit' da figure four leglock an' da Kid taps ou'!
Here's your winner, Sitcom Sam.
Sam leaves by giving Jean-Pierre a f@#ken pile-driver on the steel runway, Munchy Man p*#sing off on a guerney, TBK loses to the craziest sonofab^$ch here.
Da Doc is here wit' us, wha' do yo' have ta sat 'bout dis?
Don't f@#k with Dr. Zeus Xavier or I'll prescribe you a beating!
Man, yo' are a genious, but yo' hafta been still grabbin' yo' nuts afta da Munch yo' got off o' Munchy!
Shut-up, or you'll be next!
Yessiree Doc!
This contest is set for one-fall and for the FCoGW Alliance Hero title. From LA, weighing in at 314lbs, Alex Wood! ("F@#k the Police" by NWA is being played as the crowd all cheer for the guy who's lost nearly every match.)
Weighing a massive 562 pounds and at a height of 7feet and 5inches, from Pahoa, Hawaii, the FCoGW Alliance Hero, Hawaiian Harvey! ("Freak on a Leash" plays and the big man dawdles down shaking hands with people.)
Zoot alors, zis will be a very good match, no?
No, Harvey will kick his a@^!
DING! DING!
Bell goes and so does, I say, so does Wood! Football tackle bringing the big Hawaiian down.
Get your fat a$@ up Harvey you stoopid sonfoab#^ch!
Da sensual sound o' Abe's voice gets da big Harv up an' he trows Wood on ta da Spanish announcers table!
Spanish Announcer: �Aye Carumba! �What zee 'ell iz goin' on?
Day are two confused homeys over dere as Wood grabs one o' dem announcers an' he trows him at Harv.
Looks likes we got ourselves a game of, I say, a game of catch with some li'l hombre!
Harvey hits Wood over the head with the Spanish announcer and then drops the announcer on the awaiting once-used by Mucnhy Man guerney.
But if you tie them down they don't wriggle as much!
Egh! Grosser dan a nude photo o' Monica Lewinsky!
Harvey, hammer that f@#ken loser!
Harvey whips Wood into the turnbuckle, runs in with the shoulderblock but is greeted with a boot to the, I say, boot to the head.
Alex with zee sunset flip on zee dazed giant. Now zee over-zee-shoulder gutbreaker.
How'd he lift dat bohemoth over his damned shoulder?
I dunno, but there's the cover, 1...2...3! A new Hero!
Here is your winner and new FCoGW Alliance Heeeeeeeeeeero! Alex Woooooooooood!
Well, that's all folks! I'm DJ Seedy.
I'm Jean-Pierre!
I'm Dr. Zeus Xavier.
I'm Abe!
I'm bLaCk KnIgHt!
I'm Billy-Bob and that's all for Fridee Four, so long ya'll!